You will probably be bamboozled as to why you appear to be arguing over and over about basic points with someone who apparently refuses to get it. Pathological lying. The lies begin very early on in relationships with narcissists, because lying is an ingrained part of their identity. Moreover, narcissists believe their own lies, which is why they can be such convincing deceivers, often attracting a host of minions who believe in them. Especially when that person appears credible and can look you in the eye while doing so. Blaming you for their problems. One of the most insane and devastating parts of narcissist abuse is the projection tactics that narcissists use.
Narcissists, quite simply, accuse you of all the things that they do themselves. Nothing you do will ever be good enough.
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As far as they are concerned, your actions will all too often represent a personal affront or even a direct attack, intended to hurt them or undermine them — and they claim this is the reason why your relationship is experiencing problems. Are YOU dating a narcissist? Share this article Share. Share or comment on this article: Are YOU dating an narcissist? More top stories. Bing Site Web Enter search term: Search. Bride-to-be's 3. Newly single Shanina Shaik flashes her washboard abs and ample cleavage in sizzling cover shoot for Keen Magazine Wife of sex pest Josh Duggar marks year wedding anniversary and says faith has helped them through tough times Kristina Rihanoff flaunts her svelte frame in a semi-sheer bodysuit as she cosies up to Ben Cohen at Champneys owner's 60th birthday bash Million Dollar Listing New York: Luis D.
Father is Narcissistic. Ordinary People A Family torn apart. The death of an oldest son rocks a family. Specifically the mothers reactions are Narcissistic. Mermaids Eccentric mother that chooses to run away from her problems. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? An intense drama between two sisters. Cybill A woman braving a challenging family and uncertain future. Flowers in the Attic Four children suffer the tragic loss of their father only to be abused by their evil grandmother.
Coraline Things are not as they seem on the "other" side. Precious A challenging story for a young inner city high-school girl. Girl Interrupted A girl dealing with mental illness in a mental institution. Life or Something Like It A woman played by Angelina Jolie faces and existential crisis and changes the pattern of her life. Wizard of OZ lessons in Narcissist Abuse 3 years ago.
Gone Girl. The wife has planned her escape building a web of crazy to frame her husband for her murder. Sleeping With The Enemy. Julia Roberts has some big hair in this thriller. Holy Hell. A movie about mind control of a Narcissist. Mommy Dearest. Faye Dunaway plays the role of Joan Crawford as she belittles and gaslighting and controls her daughter horribly.
Fatal Attraction. Glenn Close has a one night stand with a man and then stalks him. Stalking, narcissistic rage, delusional. The Other Woman. Three women - two girlfriends and wife of a cheating narcissist to get even. Rain Man. Dexter - Netflix series. This Netflix series is about a serial killer that is really a psychopath BUT if you watch him closely the 'inside his mind' parts really give us an inside view of how their brains work. The Devil Wears Prada. Ann Hathaway works for Meryl Streep and she gets more than she bargained for as her life is turned upside down trying to please this crazy narcissist boss.
Silver Linings Playbook. I have to watch this again - I know both Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence have mental issues but I need to watch again. Shameless Netflix series. This show cracked me up! Breaking Bad. To Die For.
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But be prepared for a storm. My ex went nuclear when I left her, and has done as much as possible to destroy me in every, legally, financially, and personally. Prepare yourself, protect yourself, then get out. I wish I had read that sooner Walter. Great advice, learnt the hard way for me. I hear you!
Separating from a Narcissists has for me been as though a light bulb has switched on and all those nagging fears of what was hiding in the shadows turned out to be real. Why any woman on a Narcissist Victim Recovery Website would help a Malignant Narcissist carry out more treachery, is beyond me. It would be really smart to ban her as Admin, but how? Several, no many of us post about the same man. Use caution my friends. For me it may be time to find a more secure support group.
Was I worth so little to this man? Was he laughing at me behind my back when I was telling him that I loved him? I cry constantly because I feel so foolish and used by him and he just skips off like nothing has happened. I pray to God above that I never in my life meet anyone like him ever again. I was with my narc husband for 20years. I am so glad there is a name for it and I am not crazy. My children have suffered and still love him. I did not know. Thanks,this has given me hope. I have been married for 10 yrs to my hub who i tried to leave as i could take no more about how demanding i am and controlling within 6 hrs he took huge OD and was in a coma for 4 days obviously i went back to him with the kids.
I am now to scared to leave again due to what happened last time. Is this just Autisum. Bi Polar, combat related Ptsd, Explosive Rage disorder etc… There is no excuse to tolerate their mistreatment and abuses. I do pray you get out, your story reminds me so much of mine. Much love to all of you! Ali, your husbands behaviour is definitely not just autism. I am an autistic myself and have studied cluster B personality disorders in great depth since having been victimized by an NPD myself. Both men and women can have personality disorders…although narcissism is more common in males, and borderline personality disorder more common in females…there is a lot of cross-over, however, in these personality disorders.
Ali—I am unclear about your question, but if you are asking if autism and narcissism are the same thing, my answer is: no. They are very different conditions. A narcissists lack of empathy could look like a social skills deficit though. Autism is neurological and developmental disorder. Both conditions are very different with different subsets of qualifying symptoms.
I would like to clarify, the very important and defining definition that makes Narcissistic Abuse what it is and NPD what it is: the lack of empathy. People who suffer from, and I do say suffer, from Borderline Personality Disorder may abuse, and definitely do their share of damage in relationships. Their life just is a constant battle of and with themselves and the world, and deep-rooted fears of abandonment. Thus, making them sicker and sicker and taking them further into the rabbit hole they never had a clue they were in to begin with.
Thank you. Please continue talking and sharing. It is only by doing this, that we are freed and the masks can be pulled off. I was in awe reading this. After dealing with a divorce and relationship of over 10 years, I began dating one of my best friends of 17 years. I thought it was a safe and logical option. I trusted this person. I felt connected to this person. The person I knew for half my life was a lie. The relationship became intense.
He spoke of being my soul mate. He spoke of marrying me one day. He spoke of loving my child as his own. He spoke of our children growing up together. Once I became comfortable and trusting of the idea, he broke up with me. For four months after the title of commitment was taken away, he would still come by.
He would still say he loved and cared for me. Then I was excluded from birthdays and holidays. He wanted his freedom to be single. After I would state my hurt from this exclusion, he would buy me gifts such as diamond earrings. Then he would tell everyone he did those things just to be friendly to me. He would continue to be intimate with me and flirt with other women.
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Ask an ex what it would take to make things work with her. We would stop speaking for months. Then he would call me to say he missed me and still loved me. He regretted losing my love. He would talk about not wanting to miss out on a chance of us working things out. I would ask about that. Are we working this out or not? I was then told I was being pushy. I would then be sited the one going to fast and not taking the baby steps.
He missed me because I made his life better the year before. He would flirt with me and make sexual innuendos. I discovered that a woman I confided with about my feelings for him and the frustration of not understanding what was going on, became involved with him after she told me to give him some space to think. His charm had worked on her too. He manipulated her to gain attention and boost his ego.
She beleives there is something special. So while he is telling me all these lines of missing me and about how he never stopped loving me, he is building this bond with a woman I confided in. I confronted him on that issue and he said I took his words the wrong way. He only meant them to be friendly. We would not speak for weeks again and then he would become flirty with me again. I stated that if he flirts with me, then the other women go. He again found me pushy and demanding. Would get irate that he has made his stand of being single and can flirt with whomever he wants.
He borrowed money from me, and for almost a year he has not even tried to pay it back. He goes out to dinner frequently and to concerts, but incapable of paying people back. He overextends him self financially. Uses his charm and self pity to gain empathy from people to loan him money. My point is. It was all about him. His needs. His desires. The thrill of the chase for him. I would ask him if all our years of friendship meant anything.
1. They were charming AF… at first
If all the talk of marriage and a future meant anything. Ask if any of it was real. Today, I am discovering it was all about him boosting his self esteem by getting someone to want him. Once that goal was accomplished, he would move on to the next person. What I thought was real from a man I knew for half my life, became nothing but a broken fantasy that nearly destroyed every peice of who I was. I thought I had found the love of my life in my best friend. I was completely wrong and that hurt worse than the divorce with my ex husband.
Bottom line, I am aware now what type of relationship we really had. I am aware I was only a toy for him. He is an almost 40 year old man that refuses to commit. He refuses to go to counseling, even if it means bettering himself for his own children. He is so self indulged and addicted to the other women that he is capable of getting with his extreme charm. He is a highly intelligent man. But refuses to acknowledge he could be an extreme narcissist. His world is about what brings him instant gratification. Nothing else. Janelle you got one thing wrong you ARE as special as he made you think , actually more so!
Narcs pick intelligent , beautiful, sincere, forgiving AMAZING people so they can live out a dream of being someone as amazing s you are. I have a question , 12plus year partnership , 3 babies , sacrificed jo history, money, independence. I can for sure pay back a loan with his child support easily , he jus moved me to BFE 3 months ago and took of his mask, I just found a handgun under his mattress. My kids are 6, 5 and 1 , what can I do. Tired of trying not do drown in this depression and grief everyday. Still in shock. Please help me and my kids help ourselves go. Thank you so much for you wisdom and this site!!
More people need to be aware of the pathological reasons behind these actions!! Her ex husband is successful motormouth narcissist and I just realized this from a youtube on Trump as a narcissist. I came across some information because we are getting a divorce and I was writing everything up in order to make sense of it. I had a question about narcissus and read a blog article and then a comment, which had golden child and scapegoat in it.
I figured I needed to refine my search, because she is not even close to being a narcissist, per my understanding. Somehow I found an article on covert narcissists and awoke to the facts. I really appreciate everyone writing about this and sharing. You are most welcome, Janelle…I am happy to provide some information on a subject that few know about. Knowledge is power, freedom, and safety!!! Janelle- these words you wrote: …. Another thing I noticed in discussion when I said to him you were my man, i. I was then immediately put on edge and had to pacify him saying no I dont mean it like ownership but loving, its a good thing.
No, I was wrong. I think the main issue is there is a fundamental lack of empathy and without that there is a lack of core bonding. And where they feel no pain for hurting you or considering your feelings there is nothing stopping them hurting you, because they simply dont feel it, or realise it, such is the emotional deadness and emotional immaturity. The more knowledge i gain about this disorder, the more I become shocked how many people go thru this type of abuse.
They only pretend to be remorseful. I always was walking on eggshells talking to him at the end. He always made me fell bad for my hurt. He even told me several times that my pain was my own fault for sticking around. I know about his exes and what happened. I even have spoken to one of them.
Funny thing is he knows he needs help. But refuses to go. So i become less hurt each day for me, and more sad for the current woman and his children. They have no idea what is in store for them. The thing we have to remember is that we were not the ones that lied or manipulated. They can see injustice done to other people, and can sometimes see the injustice they cause to other people, but instead of correcting their mistakes and making themselves a better person, they just move on to the next victim. Their hope is someone will accept them for who they are…no matter how awful they treat people.
They see their behavior traits wrong in other people, but not in themselves. Those of us with a conscience learn from our mistakes. Because then they would actually have to feel the Rath of guilt. So what. Only his. Janelle So well stated. I totally deal with these exact issues daily! And the lack of empathy is unbelievable! It has given me the ability to know that he is not going to change and we have to get away ASAP! Thank you for your comments! So married for27 years to a very controlling Man that liked everything his way and if you questioned him about his choices he would get furious.
We got in debt and he ignored that and used that as an excuse to make me look crazy to his family. After 5 surgeries for breast cancer that was the beginners my of the end. He was a salesman on the road 2 weeks out of the month and by now he started getting on laptop late at night and texting a lot. That started setting up a red flag for me. He left me after Christmas for a woman he met in another state on a porn site A month after our divorce he moved her her and her kids in behind me and loves to keep things stirred up with my daughter.
I know he still lies about his self worth and how wonderful he is. Great post! Thank you! Ultimately though, one has to make oneself the focus, to discover what made us vulnerable to such abuse in the first place. Still, the information is very relevant and useful and can be applied to ones personal situation without paying much attention to the statistics. Thanks again for this post! This is a very good analysis. I have a financial advisor friend who I trusted with my family but after some time getting to see how they behaved, I grew to recognise the signs of narcissism behind their kindly mask.
Red flags were evident very early on as i got to know them but I fell for the trap and in someways still feel trapped. It is very hard to get this person out of my head although I feel heartbroken by their deception and see it for what it is. The hardest thing is realizing they will never change. Janelle, you sound really empowered and right on…keep on learning about this disorder…and you now have the tools to stay away from such disordered folks…you sound very clear about what direction to take in your healing…sounds like great perspective….
Although I did find your article accurate, you cannot possibly imagine what it is like to be in a relationship, or have a child with a malignant narcissist. As a therapist myself, I can honestly say that watching someone else go through it is nothing in comparison to living it. TwistedX—never make assumptions…sometimes the best therapists have had their own prior life experience with such topics they now help people heal through ;.
I am just coming out of a relationship with a man who I suspect has borderline personality disorder or strong traits, rather than narcissistic personality disorder. This devaluing and being discarded after being idealized really speaks to my experience especially. In my case, the trigger for his rage and pathological lying would often be me pulling away or being assertive, even though he had already broken up with me quite definitively. The last ploy used to get my attention, post breakup, was to tell me his mother died.
Anyway, I digress. Is no contact the best approach in that circumstance also? Insights greatly appreciated. And thanks again Andrea for a great article that has started to help me make sense of this experience and the real nature of the losses I am grieving. Good article. I think the only weakness is that it sets the bar rather high to make a determination that a partner is narcissistic.
As a therapist and as the son of a pathological narcissist, I can attest to the fact that they can function quite well and carry on in society without undue notice for years. You may never know you are around one until you begin to stand up to them- this they take great exception to and you may rapidly become secondary supply at best. Really hard stuff to deal with. Once this happens, I too agree the only way to be safe is to stay away.
The accuracy of this article is almost frightening, it perfectly describes the relationship I just got out of. Stephanie…thanks for your feedback…what I would say is keep reading up on narcissistic abuse…see the list of resources at the end of the article and read, read, read. Information is power. In dating relationships, beware of the individual who swoops in and promises you the moon and back again, proposing to you in 2 days…a healthy relationship gradually builds, with mutual respect and empathy and self-disclosure.
If you have already been entangled in a relationship with a narcissistic type person, then the best policy is absolutely No Contact…unless you share children, in which case you legally might have to do Limited Contact…I would highly encourage you to seek a psychotherapist who can provide you support in recovery from narcissistic abuse, and to also join an online support forum like Lisa E. When I read this i think these are many of the qualities of my ex, but then, when i left him he told me i was a narcissist, and i have been so confused as to which one of us is the narcissist! Sally—the fact you have the capability to reflect is really a good sign of insight…which many narcissists are sorely lacking…I would recommend, as with anyone who is pulling through an abusive relationship, that they seek psychotherapy with a highly skilled psychotherapist who can provide a detailed, comprehensive assessment and work with you to answer your questions.
Very often codependents fall in love with a narcissist — they may have had a narcissistic parent, also, so the connection feels familiar. These abusive relationships further undermine the codependents little self-esteem. Underneath both suffer from shame. My jaw dropped the first time I read your writing on this subject which was a couple of weeks ago. I have printed out both articles and read them daily to remind myself to avoid ever dating another man with this affliction as well as sent copies to all my single girlfriends.
It was so easy to get swept away in all the drama, the ups and downs, highs and lows with the narcissist, but now know what an incredible sham the whole thing was. You truly could not have described in more accurate detail what I went through. My mother is without a doubt a narcissist, and I have dealt with treating my co-depency all my life.
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Now at 59, the puzzle is finally coming together! The impact of my relationship with my partner led me to almost commit suicide. But she had to tell me how great this new man was, how intelligent and talented, how they are going to keep his apartment in the city and his country property, how he has motorbikes etc. For anyone who is in a relationship with a person with strong narcissistic traits I warn you to be careful.
I was never good enough and got to the most tragic point. Thank God for my children who saved me from doing it. Trying to stay Near Positive People.. One Day at a Time. One Day at a Time.. I truly wish more was written and openly discussd about this type of abuse. I am grateful to this author for helping to increase awareness of something that has the very real potential to completely destroy lives. Before March of this year, I did not know that this type of abuse had a name. If someone would have asked me if I had heard of Narcissistic Abuse, I would have simply equated it with abuse by a Narcissistic person and that is very misleading.
After enduring the most horrific emotional abuse I have ever experienced at the hands of a psychologist I had taken my two small children to for counseling, I endured even more trauma in the aftermath trying to understand what actually happened in the abusive relationship. Narcissistic Abusers are quite skilled at leaving the victim with all of the guilt and blame for the abuse. After I refused to see this therapist any longer, I spent 9 months trying to understand if he was trying to help me like he insisted or literally trying to kill me. That made it even harder to heal from the abuse.
I spent every waking minute thinking about what happened searchign for somehting I had missed that could make all if make sense. They are still searching for answers and carrying the guilt and blame with them for not having done enough to prevent the destruction of the relationship. Glad the article was of help and put a name to very covert, insidious abuse. It is not discussed often because many do not understand it.
However, with more awareness, more people are armed with information and can protect themselves from dangerous relationships. I have read so many of these websites, desperately trying to find words that will bring me peace or closure or…something to just stop it hurting. I was the love of his life, but I abandoned him so what was he supposed to do when this girl came and saved him where I had dropped him. Feelings of guilt transferred to me…I am so terribly insecure now, after being so independent and strong growing up!
How do I get back to normal? How do I leave him behind where he belongs and stop shedding a single tear for him? I wish there was a quick fix button…. I have a friend who has been married 20 years to a very successful physician. Here are some details of her relationship with him:. Her father is a physician as well.
Her parents were very strict and controlling, enforced with verbal and physical abuse on occasion, forbidding her to go out with friends, while driving her to do well in school and other activities. When she met her future husband, they had both been recently divorced. She was about to go away for a few months for a nursing job, when he literally swept her off her feet and took her to Las Vegas to be married before she left to go on this job.
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After they were married, she quit the job rather than going away. She was filled with great admiration and love for him for roughly the first half of their marriage. She thought of him glowingly as her rock, white knight and the love of her life. She did everything and anything he wanted her to do. She changed who she was to be who he wanted her to be. Instead she focused on being the best home-maker she could be. She loved to cook and perfected meals. She kept the house very clean all the time.
She did everything for their two boys. She was always very driven, so that was how she used her energy. He always had the last word on any subject related to them and their family. She spoke that often their was fear- both from her and her sons- shortly he would come home from work that everything was not done- dinner, clean house, etc.
Her boys would express this as well and tell her to hurry and get things done or Dad would be angry. Roughly 10 years ago, she had the first desire to divorce him. She was upset when he flirted with other women at parties. It was also around this time that he no longer satisfied her sexually. Still, she went on as before, but now more unhappily, mostly for the sake of their boys. A little over a year ago, she found out he was having an affair. This was devastating to her on so many levels. Apparently he had known the woman for 6 years. She felt she had lost her best friend, husband, her rock, her everything in one blow.
It challenged everything she thought about love, marriage, everything. In the months after the discovery, she would often go stay in a hotel by herself with a candle and drink by herself rather than be in the house with him. She stopped having sex with him. Since she discovered his infidelity, he has become increasingly hostile toward her verbally.
They have been in counseling for over a year now. She is increasingly stressed and unhappy with her marriage and does not want to spend any time with him because it is so unpleasant. It is this last point that is most concerning to me. My thought is that the counselor has not identified the husband as a narcissist, otherwise he would not be trying to preserve the marriage through counseling.
Jade— I would suggest seeing a psychotherapist who specializes in this area as well as joining the aforementioned support forums online— with time, you will recover and move on to love someone who loves you back in a healthy way… Jay— sounds like you have a lot of concern for your friend…have you addressed your worries with her directly? If she and her significant other are in couples therapy, then it sounds like they are working on their issues… You can always share this article with her and see what she has to say…obviously, this is not a forum to actually diagnose people…she is lucky he has such a caring and concerned friend looking out for her interests….
Andrea- thank you for the feedback and advice. I met her the other day and asked her if she thought her husband was a narcissist. This did not surprise me entirely, and yet she seems stuck in what to do. She does not see an immediate need to end the relationship, primarily for the sake of her 14 and 16 year old sons it seems. Anyway, it appears his relationship with the other woman may have ended against his will, so now he seems more focused in a bi-polar way on her again.
Their couple counseling is on an individual basis she ended the couple sessions after he repeatedly lied to the counselor. Very sad and troubling situation. And yet the counselor is trying to preserve their marriage. Apparently she asked him for a separation a year ago, but he refused, and he said he will not divorce her either. She has said that if he asked, she would divorce him, but she is afraid of her kids reaction if she were to ask for a divorce. Jay— again, your friend is very fortunate to have your support…all you can do is continue to be a reality-tester and help her to know of resources that might assist her see bibliography — she may need a different therapist who understands narcissism more completely — it is, ultimately, your friends choice how she proceeds with her life…but, armed with information, hopefully she will choose her own self-preservation and mental health— a happy mom is a happy family, whether or not there are two parents in the picture…best wishes!
Andrea- Thanks again for your feedback. I think I have done what I can while at the same time trying to respect her privacy and independence. I get the feeling she knows what she wants to do, but is preparing for the right time for her. Thanks again. Jay- yes, it sure does sound like you have done everything you can to support your friend. Sounds like she has a good-sounding board in you. I would focus on your own self-care and release the issue at this time.
Best wishes in your journey, Andrea. This is so classic — frightening really because I can identify so strongly. I have been in a relationship much like this for 5 years. I even went to counseling and they never saw it which made me feel even more isolated and confused. Worse yet, we spend endless hours trying to figure out what we did wrong. We were not married and have no children together, thank goodness. I gave up my job to work with him, gave away most of my belongs my bad decisions and gave it my all in the relationship.
He was very charismatic in the beginning but soon I realized he was shallow and unfeeling towards other people pain. Him and I bought a house together which is down the street from my daughter and her family. When I left, I also signed this house over to him because I did not want any ties.
The narc hated my son in law and never had anything nice to say about him. Now the narc and my son in law are best friends, but I know my son in law needs the money his is making off of him at this moment. He thinks he has the narc under control…. I know he is wrong and the hatchet will fall with him as soon as the narc no longer needs him. We live in small community and the narc decided to remodel this house the one we bought together on a grand scale and so it is being noticed by everyone in this community.
Originally he was going to sell it and I was all for that, just to get him away from me and family. But now it seems he wants to keep rubbing my nose in it for breaking it off with him. He is even trying to get his family to move here???? He is taking my family to nice places to eat and giving them money which they need but it is making me feel sick to my stomach. My son and his family has broken ties with him but my son in law has not. When I broke it off with the narc, I did the no contact rule, went back to work and even starting taking some college classes.
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I have accepted that he is a narc and uses people, is shallow and hurts people without a conscious. I have always been a forgiving person and I want to move on without his baggage cluttering my life. I do not want to move from this area, my family lives here, children and grandchildren,they are my family and not his, although he has a strained relationship with his kids and almost no contact with his grandchildren. The narc always told me how wonderful my kids and grandkids were, and how they always treated him with respect.
I tried to raise my children to treat others the same way they treat themselves, with dignity and respect. My children are raising their children the same way. But I am at my wits ends on how to get him to move on. I have also been told he bad mouths every chance he gets. Any advice would be appreciated on how to handle this. I am adding to my original comment, I almost feel like I am venting.
Before I met the narc, I had been divorced for almost 10 years and had dated some but had not found someone I wanted to have a long term relationship with. I had a job with people I liked, a decent place to live, was close to my family, had close friends and volunteered to help our troops. My life was good by my standards. The narc swept me off my feet; I thought he was the one. He put me on a pedestal and would call and text me.
We talked of building a future together so when he suggested I quit my job and work together we are flood adjusters it seemed like the right thing to do. We would save our money and buy a place together and grow old together. I gave up my place and gave away most of my material things; I thought I was doing the right thing. He admired how I was so close to my children and grandchildren as he was not close to his. It was slow but soon I was realized I had not seen my friends or volunteered anymore. And everything I did, wore or said was wrong, He would say mean things and hurt my feelings, but when I would say something about it, he would say I was wrong and he did not say or do those things.
I started recording some of our conversations and would play them back just to check my own memory.
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